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Thursday, 08 April 2010

let it all go

Here latley i havent been myself. I have been deppressed and angry at everything...and its all because of my past i should just let itall go but the only thing in my past i can never let go is my non biological son draven...he ment and still means the world to me. But his mom isnt telling me anytrhing about him its all most like they have dissappered off the face of the earth...i just dont know what to do anymore anyone have any advice........

Sunday, 04 April 2010

wanting and needing are two diffrent things

its been awhile i last posted any blogs so here goes but two nights ago me and a group of guys from work where all drinking and me being new to the group i just had to try and out drink them.....well we started out fine but by the time we where done i drank 18 beers and all most a whole bottle of morgan and i do beleive that i am still feeling he headach from that night and i would like to say i remeber that whole night but i dont..but all in all im not drinkng for a while...but here latley i have been more deppressed because i havent heard anything about my son latley and it is making things hard not to metion i hate his mom egven more now becauce she still doent even write me about him...but im going to go need some sleep b4 work

Tuesday, 09 February 2010

Saying Goodbye

so lately i have been having troubles getting over leaving everything behind..but today is the day that i do it..because i cant keep living in the past because it will only slow me down and get me no where. the only thing that makes it hard is saying goodbye to Draven Jack Laorange who was my non bioligacil son...and the only reason why it is so hard to do is becuase i was there when he was born and i was the one who cut the chord and heard his first cry...and i was with him for all most 2 years of his life...and its hard..infact its the hardest things i have had to do so far in my life..infact to tell you the truth i dont think i will ever truly say goodbye to him or the memories i have of him as a baby and of the feelings i have for him as my little boy..i wouldnt have to say goodbye if his mother...didnt descied to just completley stop talking to me...i was trying to get an adress i could send him a birthday card but she didnt say a damn word to me..and she was even on facebook and what not..and she even has my mailing address (stamps are what 35-40 centsish?) and she even has my fucking phone number..i mean come on how hard is it to fucking pick up a fown or write down an address or even hit a few keys like i am doing right now...infact this is the easiest out of the three...i dono it just burns my ass....

but all in all i do feel like this is the best thing for him if i just go now..becuase he wont remeber me and he will get used to his real dad (who is know in his life) and his real step-father (since she got married not even 2 weeks after i left) and i know his mother will talk shit about me every chance she gets to him....and that makes me sad becuase i was a damn good father to him..and she knows it...

so i think i will go for now..so i can think about somethings i just did..and hope its for the best

Tuesday, 02 February 2010

life in a new place

sometimes i find it really hard to be here becuase of being alone...and when i say being alone i mean as in not having any friends yet...that is the hardest part about being here..i cant go anywhere to get away...i dont have anyone my age i can go have a drink with or anything like that ..and it is starting to drive me nuts it really is..and i cant belive how hard it is to find osmeone to hang out with when u move to a town...it is incredably diffuclite to fine people your age to hang out with..and not to mention you dont know how they are going to react when u walk up to them and start talking...

but i think the hardest part about being in a new town is hearing about your most recent x that you had...and how everything for her is falling apart...

you see my x had a baby boy and i took him in as my own even thought he wasnt really mine..and we where togeter for 2 years..and then just started to descied that she dosent want to be with me at all..and starts dating one of my good friends..and im just there left in the cold and dark...so i moved up here..but not even month of living up here i find out she is getting married to him and is pregneat by him...and that is good for here but it caught me completly off gaurd and it destroyed me for 3 days...i finally got over it and just a few days ago i find out that her and her new husband and her son got evicited from where they where living and she lost her job and everything was going down hill for her..and i just laughed to my self and to be honset it servers her right becuase she married someone who will never be able to have a job becuase he cant quite smokeing pot ro save his live..and she is alawys way to deppressed to do anything...the only thing i feel bad about is her son...becuase he cant do anything for him self yet and it destroyes me becuase i helped raise him for 3 a year and some odd months and to just hear about her loosing her house and everything..it just kills me for him...but there is nothing i can do for him now =/ so i hope his real dad who is now in the picture steps in and gets him becuase he deservers better than what he is going through right now...

but enough of my bitching and what not

Thursday, 14 January 2010

a place called Detroit Lakes

so i have living in Indiana for as long as i can remeber and to be away from things and people you have known your whole life is kind of hard to grasp the feelings that you would feel if you had done...and i have been away from indiana for just a little over a month now...and i still havent gotten over the fact that i am in a diffrent state and town...and i prolly wont be going back to Indiana for a long time...becuase it is a dying little town i was living in and i had to get out..and here where i am at now is pretty cool...its a small resort town =D so its pretty cozy althought it gets really cold here and i am still not used to it...but moving really takes a toll on ya expicaly when it is a diffrent state completly becuase you leave everything behind and you have to start over...well i have started over and i have no friends so that will be the hardest thing to do is make new friends...i think...but who knows...i guess it is all about your personitaly but i will end this here for now...becuase i need to get everything ready for lunch..